The Cultural Moment Around Going “No Contact” (and What to Do Instead)
Going ‘no contact’ with a parent or family member has become a more common conversation in recent years. In certain situations, distancing is a necessary safety measure. But when estrangement becomes our first response to discomfort or disagreement, it can lead to extreme decisions that leave unresolved grief in their wake.
In The Oprah Podcast’s recent episode about going “no contact,” we learned how prevalent this trend of cutting off family members entirely has been on a national level. Let’s preface up front that there are relationships so toxic that they sometimes warrant this stance. The problem is that when we look at family estrangement as our primary protective instinct to disagreement or discomfort, it leads to extreme action.
We’ve been fed the narrative that if someone is characterized as “problematic”, “toxic”, “narcissistic”, or “fixed in their ways” that there are only two extremes to choose from: people pleasing while enduring harm OR going no contact. Integrating The And Way™, we recognize there is a spectrum of options in between for conflict resolution.
In Between the Extremes: Requests and Relationship Boundaries
One of the first things I teach clients in relational repair is the difference between these two:
Requests: Something one person asks of the other person. This implies choice (out of the control of the person requesting).
Boundaries: Something one person enforces for themselves.
Examples of Requests and Boundaries (What’s in Your Control)
These are practical alternatives to going no contact when the relationship is strained but not unsafe.
Example 1:
Request: I’m feeling taken advantage of. Can you do the dishes in the evenings, especially on the nights when your friends are over?
Boundary (the part in her control!): If you do not clean your own dishes, I’m not going to clean them up for you every night anymore.
Example 2:
Request: Aunt Bea, I notice you’ve been calling repeatedly during our evening routine often. I end up feeling so stressed out. Can you try calling before 6 or on the weekends instead to talk to the kids?
Boundary: The parent doesn’t answer the phone when Aunt Bea calls after 6 since she’s in the middle of their weeknight routine.
Example 3:
Request: Dad, can you please keep the news off when my (young) kids are playing in your home?
Boundary: Dad, if the news is still on in the background when my kids are over I’m going to let you know we’re going home.
Example 4:
Request: Can you stop making jokes like that? I find that offensive.
Boundary: If you continue to make jokes about people I love/respect, I’m not going to laugh. I want you to know jokes like that will not deepen our connection.
Example 5:
Request: Can you be more mindful of the way you’re talking about other people, especially when my kids are around?
Boundary: When you name-call others or use ________ language, I am going to voice my disgust or end the conversation.
What Happens When They Ignore or Don’t Comply With Your Request?
It is not necessarily disrespectful that someone doesn’t comply with your request. In fact, they may have requests for you for which you’re not agreeing.
Do not lose sight of your power. Your boundaries are the only part of the equation truly carried out by you.
What most people are missing to begin with is the skill of identifying what they want and what is out of their control. When we attempt to control others insisting, “you have to do xyz,” and the other person won’t or can’t, it is excruciating to feel so helpless.
We don’t need to stay stuck in the futility of what is out of our control: their needs, their reactions, their capacity.
How to Make Requests and Set Healthy Boundaries in Toxic Family Dynamics
Here are ways you can make requests to shift toxic family dynamics and set healthy boundaries:
“Can we plan shorter visits with a clear start and end time?”
“If you raise your voice, I’m going to take a break and come back later.”
“I need to stay in a hotel when I visit so everyone can enjoy themselves.”
Embrace the space you can change by learning how to identify your needs and setting healthy boundaries you can implement on your end.
In a culture that rewards extremes, choosing the middle path can feel countercultural. But meaningful conflict resolution, especially in families, rarely lives at the edges.
The work of identifying requests, enforcing boundaries, and staying grounded in discomfort is not easy—but it is what allows relationships to change without erasing ourselves or one another.
These are the conversations at the core of my book The And Way: Assertive Peacemaking in a Divided World and the ones I speak on with organizations, communities, and leadership teams navigating division, tension, and relational repair. You can learn more about booking me to speak at your next event here.
