America’s Got a Passivity Problem: Why Avoiding Conflict is Making Us More Divided
The Silent Room: A Personal Story
Last week I attended a school board meeting, arriving a few minutes late after my dog got sick on my pilled, cream rug. As I entered the first door, I heard someone bellowing arguably hateful complaints. When he paused, it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. “How discouraging that we had such poor turnout,” I thought to myself. I assumed it must just be this one passionate citizen. He was all I could hear. A part of me wanted to turn around and return home. Once I opened the entrance to the auditorium, I realized he wasn’t alone at all. There were over a hundred people in attendance. In silence.
Did they agree with him?
Were they opposed?
One could assume, but with one microphone and a sea of silence, there was no way to capture the complexity that actually existed in that room.
It often feels this way, doesn’t it? A few people with bullhorns in a crowd of crickets.
Passivity Fuels Polarization
We’re not only divided; America is avoidant. We keep choosing silence over the discomfort of conflict. Passivity fuels polarization. Polarization and dehumanization are conducive to violence.
Consider how you witness our passive culture daily. Maybe these sound familiar:
The brush-it-under-the-rug rule in families.
The ghosting of potential suitors on dating apps.
Refusing political debate because of the belief, “one person isn’t going to make a difference.”
Shutting down a conflict with, “let’s agree to disagree.”
Social media insists we protect our peace or cut them out.
These are the harmful patterns plaguing our culture when used excessively.
Us vs. Them Thinking
We are leaning into political segregation, where it’s comfy to hear our opinions echoing in a swarm of like-minded people. To hear the opposition is so uncomfortable, we’ve lost our capacity to tolerate it. We’ve become divisive by default. Us. And them.
That Tesla driver must be a fascist.
That truck driver must be a Trump voter.
That Prius driver must be a communist.
Only those kinds of people listen to that podcast.
Only our kind of people care about our kids’ future.
We are doing the right thing.
They are ruining our country.
When Therapy and Culture Contribute to Avoidance
How did we get here?
You may be surprised to hear that, as a therapist, I think Western therapy is a part of the problem. While any of my clients will tell you I’m a proponent of self-care and setting limits, Western teachings often overemphasize themes like boundaries, raising standards, not “settling,” and even encouraging people to end relationships or associations with groups that aren’t rigidly in line with their beliefs. The danger in this stance is undermining the value of emotional healing and the reality that we all possess the ability to transform.
Social media, magazine articles, and other marketing tactics use shorthand like “Three red flags that mean he’s not right for you,” or “Your parent is a narcissist if they do this.” This oversimplifies multifaceted topics and underutilizes our emotional intelligence and conflict-management skills.
Many other messages contribute to our pattern of avoidance.
It’s not worth it.
He won’t change anyway.
It is what it is.
Don’t rock the boat.
The Cost of Avoidance
Avoidance doesn’t just make life easier in the short term. It carries a cost. The result:
A society with low tolerance for discomfort.
A breeding ground for assumptions.
A constant desire for instant gratification.
Limited opportunities to challenge one’s beliefs.
Lack of repair of ruptured relationships.
Heightened individualism.
How Does Staying Superficial Play a Role
Staying superficial within our community amplifies polarization. Now that we’re not in small villages and tribes, we’re also not often given the opportunity to work through conflict and have to continue to see the same people day in and day out. There’s not one butcher or one baker in most of our towns. There are a lot of options. So, if we don’t like the way something went down at that one bakery, we can avoid the baker and move on to another. This debilitates us from learning repair skills like taking accountability in order to deepen connections.
Relationships with accountability promote intimacy. Without conflict to address challenges, injustices, and misunderstandings, we remain stuck as a society. Passivity offers us the illusion that we are experiencing peace just because there is an absence of conflict. True peace exists when we’re experiencing intimacy, feeling safe, and trusting in a deeply connected relationship. Peaceful communities don’t mask unresolved wounds with the status quo. These communities thrive because mutual understanding and repair are a priority.
There are times when ending a relationship is absolutely the right call. Let’s just stop treating it like the only option when we’ve been wronged.
The Instant Pot Analogy: Why Pressure Builds
Imagine your emotions—frustration, disagreement, resentment—like steam inside an Instant Pot.
When you avoid political conversations, suppress your opinions, or ignore conflict to “keep the peace,” you’re sealing the lid tight. Tension builds inside of you. At some point, the pressure has to escape. If you’ve waited too long, it doesn’t come out in a controlled way—it bursts out aggressively or in passive-aggressive behaviors. Perhaps snapping at a friend, cutting someone off entirely, or making indirect jabs. Avoiding an issue doesn’t make it disappear - it just builds energy until it erupts.
Assertive Communication = Letting the Steam Out Safely
The Instant Pot has a pressure release valve that lets steam escape gradually and safely. Instead of bottling everything up, you express concerns in real-time. You use direct, respectful communication to release tension before it becomes unmanageable.
You don’t need to run out and grab your neighbor who voted differently from you to sit on the lawn for a three-hour conversation hashing out the world’s problems. Just like you would gradually increase your load at the gym as you gain strength over time, flex your assertive muscles of engagement little by little so you can build your tolerance for discord.
Practice by:
Putting an idea in the hat when your colleagues debate where to go for lunch
Letting your partner know it hurts when they (fill in the blank)
Asking rather than assuming whether your parent supports a policy recently enacted
Answering honestly when someone asks your opinion on a political debate, even when you think they may not like your answer
Following up with someone in person about their Facebook post rather than word vomiting in the public comments
Engagement Is the Only Way Forward
We have enough bystanders swollen with apathy. Enough of us have thrown our hands up in the air in futility. It’s easier to criticize from afar, to pounce from behind a keyboard and shrink when face to face. Since avoidance postpones and often even furthers the problem, the only way to resolve conflict is engagement.
Engaging someone does not insist that you endorse their choices. A curious and assertive stance does not guarantee growth or depth in a relationship. It just gives us the best chance. In this season of division by default, we need every damn chance we can get.
